Happy or slightly apathetic?

Internet, I apologize. Your father's been out of town, and well, I've had to satiate my needs somewhere.

I was talking to Dylan [you, if you're reading this] and I guess the reason I haven't blogged in a while has been the fact that I got not one, but two journals for my birthday. I only write in one.
Ironically, it's maybe 2 feet away. Maybe three entries.
Anyway, not much has happened. No sudden urges to write more than maybe a line. I had the urge to write last night, but it's like, this chaotic [definition of chaotic by Marvelli: without form/structure. I'll go with that.] swirling cloud of an idea that hasn't really settled into a piece I can write yet.
But I'm afraid it's going to sound really emo.

I think this POST will sound emo.

But I digress.

I heard this song the other day when my friend linked me to his cover of it. I really liked the lyrics, so I looked the song up and listened.. and I'm not really sure if I like the song itself or just its words, but I think that even if I don't like the song, the words make up for it.
Or at least, they made me find likable aspects of the song.

I really like that it's a minor key, though. Haha, déjà vu, much?

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you; I said I liked your shoes, you said, "Thanks, can I follow you?"
So it's up the stairs and out of view, no prying eyes- I poured some wine, I asked your name, you asked the time.
Now it's two o'clock; the club is closed, we're up the block.
Your hands on me, pressing hard against your jeans.. your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out.
You didn't care to know who else may have been you before.

I want a lover I don't have to love, I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck.
Where's the kid with the chemicals? I thought he said to meet him here, but I'm not sure..
I've got the money if you've got the time; you said it feels good, I said, "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark; we both forgot where your car was parked.
Let's just take the train. I'll meet up with the band in the morning.
Bad actors with bad habits, some sad singers they just play tragic..
And the phone's ringing and the van's leaving; let's just keep touching, let's just keep, keep singing.

I want a lover I don't have to love, I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals? I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize- the kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

But you, but you, you write such pretty words.
But life's no storybook.
Love's an excuse to get hurt.
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do.. I do.

-Lover I Don't Have To Love, Bright Eyes.

It's not that I'm proponing the message, per se, of the song. I just... I really like it. Haha, I can't think of much else to it. It's like it's got this hauntingly resonating quality about it.
It makes me think of downtown, maybe. I dunno.

Anyway.
Since this post, I've decided, shall be ungodly long-

I was thinking about this today.
I HIGHLY recommend the movie Inglourious Basterds.
The first chapter, especially, was FANTASTIC. Oh man. The ending of the first chapter is, arguably, my favorite scene. Not because of the gore, mind you, but because it's so... chilling, I guess? You just get this chill deep in your bones but you can't help to watch on, amazed. I actually think I started laughing, or smiling at least.
I can't tell you what the scene is because I don't want to ruin it, and don't go look it up either, but when you see it, you'll DEFINITELY know what I'm referring to.

In other nudes, my school asked me to attend Governor's School this summer.
Not kidding.
It was the strangest thing, too. They called me out of Chemistry one day to talk to me about the programs. I'm like "Why me?"
But apparently they wanted me for the music program. I'm a percussionist, we're a rare species.
Or at least a rare species in that I'm one of the few, I think, that hasn't died off from Jackass disorder. Haha, but you know, I'm modest too.
Anyway, I'm not going this summer, because tuition is a bitch and I can get into better programs when I'm a junior.

I really have nothing else to say other than I hope my prospects are what I'm holding them to.
To what? That's up to your own individual interpretation, reader. But if you see me in the next three days, you should have a good idea.
Until the next blue moon.

-CS.

Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings..

What do you get when you combine:
1. 5/4 time.
2. Minor key.
3. Oscar Hammerstein.

Got the answer yet?
It's pure, unadulterated phenomena. [:
<3 Pomplamoose.

Paisley just isn't the same without your violence and sarcastic remarks.

I think I will make my bedtime 11:27 on school nights if nothing is happening otherwise, because it has a nice ring to it.

I'm writing poetry week by week, line by line, in that order.

Maybe it'll mold into a work of art someday.

Dylan, I want to see you like none other. The mountains are lonely without you.

"I find it weird that I only like things that don't make sense. Since nothing in life actually makes sense, things that really have no logic are a comfort in a world on disarray. Hollywood movies portray things that have a purpose, reason, and a conclusion, but all those things don't exist in the real world. And in my life especially, I have never known stability, true love, or things as they should be, so by watching things considered odd and normal, they are life-like to me for that is what life truly is. People have faulty expectations of themselves and of life because of poorly portrayed stories in the media, and it's really sad. And.. this all makes sense to me. I dunno why, I just always found it interesting how Chaos and Serenity go hand in hand."
Evan Wagoner has got to be one of my heroes.

I've gotta stop editing this post.

That's all I can think to say.

(I keep remembering the first time I got electrically shocked through a vacuum. And the title is a reference to Bauserman. NOW I'm done.)

9/12, 6/1.

(11:03:26 PM):It seems like I was glancing over at you in the movie theatre yesterday
(11:03:46 PM):unloading pumpkins this morning
(11:04:42 PM):maybe around lunchtime wandering into dark rooms in the church and hoping you'd follow.
(11:30:53 PM): I love you. i mean, i'm totally in love with you. had no idea it would ever happen, but glad it did, because you make me fantastically happy, even on a really bad day. like today? had a few tests, can't talk because i lost my voice w/ a cough, have ridiculous amounts of work still to do, it's 9/11 to top it all off, and it's been the best day of the week because i got to spend so much time talking to you. I feel like writing songs about you, you inspire me that i can go and do something worthwhile. I'm crazy, i know i am, but that's how much i'm into you. Like... there's not even a way to describe it. bliss, nirvana, whatever, i don't understand it, and i don't want to. all i know is that you make me ridiculously happy. it's amazing. YOU'RE amazing.

My dearest doctor.
I must indeed inform you that I’ve fallen quite madly in love with you (strange as it may seem), and the zeal, if you will, that I feel is driving me beyond the taut line of my sanity.
The cure to my ailment merely consists of one simple thing…easy enough to get, but the decision to offer it is entirely up to you…
If you so desire to give it to me, you will be faced with constant fluctuating and unspeakable evils, yet at the same time the great and the terrible.
Scary thing, isn’t it.
Know what it is yet?
The choice is yours, doc.

[June 1, 2009 9:30 PM.]

I fear I've won a battle that shouldn't be won.

I really do wear the pants in this relationship. (:
I never realized how relative these pictures are until I really looked. And the funny thing is, I had a great argument until now.. and it's escaped me.
Oh well.

It's funny.. the one it really matters that I should vent to isn't getting it. Ever.
What can I say, he's a man of logic. So it probably wouldn't do anything anyway.
Good thing he doesn't read my blog. We'd be in trouble, I guess, if he ever did.
But back to what I was saying, I guess I'll shoot my rambling into cyberspace from now on.
Shouldn't be that much of a difference. Cody won't get my ranting anymore, but that's the only thing changing.
My friends put up with too much of my teenage girl shit.

I want to make intelligent entries again in this blog, but it's become an emotional dumpster, it feels like.
The thing that sucks is that nothing else crosses my mind anymore.
But then again, did it ever?
I know people occasionally read this blog, ones I know and ones I don't, but not one has mentioned it to me except for 2 I know.
(And if you guys ever read this, tell me. Jasmine and Sathya. Thanks in advance..)

I guess my problem is that I've got so much to say to him (HIM), but I can't.
I don't know why, I just can't.
I should.
But I can't.
It's because I feel like if something should be said, it really shouldn't (total sense there). Like.. you shouldn't tell someone how to love someone. You shouldn't tell someone how to treat their girlfriend. You shouldn't tell someone they deserve better. Even if it's true.
I don't want anything else. I don't want anything better. I want him to love me and mean it and show it. But I couldn't tell him to love me more, or mean it more, or show it more. That's up to him.
If he really does and really means it, he should show it on HIS account.
I feel like I'm babbling to myself.
(Partially because I don't think anyone will read this and understand it.)

I've thought this many times, I feel like I've told certain people before.. but here goes.
First of all.. I feel like if I ever tell him what battle I've won, I should do it in a coffee shop. Right now, in my mind, it's the Mount Tabor Starbucks. Because I feel like the Starbucks close to my house would be asking for too much. (It's the closest to his house, too, though..)
So the title?
I think I've won the "I love you more" battle. I think I told him. I think he knows. I know he's stopped arguing.

Fin.
Probably will delete soon.

-CS.

Today I learned..

..that waxed floors that are still wet can be fixed, but dry ones can't.
[What?]

That pizza tastes fantastic when you ate a muffin for breakfast.

That leaving your hair down for almost the entire day doesn't make you want to kill yourself right away, and gets you complimented by many teachers.

That your boyfriend tastes fantastic even when he just drank orange soda.
[Sorry Sathya, if you're reading this.]

But most of all, that no matter who someone is and whatever power they hold over your life, you must always stand firm to your beliefs and not conform to what they want you to be, because that is not yourself.. therefore you're not showing them what- rather, WHO you can be.
It doesn't help much in the longrun. /: You may think it does.. but it's like submitting an essay you've proofread dozens of times. Someone somewhere will always find something to criticize about it, even if you've pulled it off flawlessly.

Do I wish things are different? Absolutely.

Will I give up a challenge? Absolutely not.

If someone's flesh and blood can love every aspect of Corsair Sinphonse like he says he does.. his mother can too.

-CS.

I can has nightmares plz?

I had another strange dream last night, I guess crazy things happening the night before do that to you.
It was like a really fucked up version of Twilight, honestly xD.
I was Bella. Bleh. And I'm pretty sure I looked like that chick who played her in the film, because I guess I was just sorta omniscient in that dream, and I saw little game stats in the corner of my vision sometimes..
Anyway, what had happened from what I remember was I started out as this Bella chick, just less.. obsessed, I guess? And I met Edward, and I eventually turned into a vampire as well, and I suppose the way it worked was that the more people you killed the more of a vampire you became, because I remember losing my reflection and eventually being able to fly around.
Mind you, flying is fucking AWESOME.
[I flew in a grocery store. :D It was fun.]
Anyway, we ended up in this GIANT house with random people we'd just start killing. And I guess I was switching POVs back and forth from a vampire to a victim, because I remember running and running but I was chasing at the same time.
But it wasn't like these guys were just having their blood sucked, it was like, they were being mutilated and stuff. Pretty grotesque, because I woke up in a very cold sweat.
So the way it ended was the people all either died or were stuck somewhere hiding, but the Edward dude ended up telling me that they were the reasons certain civilizations had died out. [I can't remember the names, but I figured I wouldn't ask about the Atlantians because they're underwater anyway xD.] And eventually the "hero" group found us, overpowered us, caught us, and locked us in these cages floating over this bottomless pit for the rest of eternity. Hahaha.
Weird ass dream. But I remembered it really well, so I thought I'd write it down before I forgot.

-CS.