Never care for things they say, never care for games they play.

Have you ever just hurt about something, but weren't really sure what about?

You start to think, maybe it's about the loneliness. "I'm a pretty lonely person. I stay up late doing nothing in particular, and that gives me time to think about the people who aren't there."

Maybe it's about the feeling of being left behind. "Well, there's people out there- ones I care about- living their lives. What am I doing? Waiting to catch up."

Or maybe it's something deeper. "If this person wanted me, they wouldn't have to turn to other things to get cheap thrills. Maybe this is their escape. So I shouldn't be concerned, right?"

People act surprised when others distance themselves, but really, I feel like it's just human nature. When people hurt, they back away. But when confronted about this backing away, there are tons of different responses. Some people get angry immediately, some people take a passive-aggressive route and get nasty and sardonic or just quite obviously sad/hurt, some people distance themselves even more by ignoring this person or people, and some people blow it off like it's nothing.

Bet the one who's confronting this person never really stopped to think about how they felt, eh?

[Is this directed toward someone? You tell me.]

I've spent a long time this summer thinking about people, and the way they act. I think for a few years I've tried to put myself in another's shoes, and tried to understand their circumstances, and for the most part, I think I've gained a lot of patience that way. So, next time you experience someone's reaction to being confronted after they were hurt, put yourself in their shoes. They'd do the same for you, ya know.

-CS.

Ask the lonely.

Life.
Today I cracked open a fortune cookie (did you know that those little motherfuckers have 10 grams of fat each?! You'd think that's how much they weighed out on their own... needless to say, I was upset.). To be honest, I was actually expecting some really depressing fortune (Have you noticed they're all happy?), but instead, I got this:

Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. ☺

I'm trying to live it out, you should too. Writing helps me vent.

Anyway, you'd probably be better off not to read any of the following. I didn't do it for you, I did it for me. With the exception of a few lines, indicated with an *.

Steve Perry, sometimes your lyrics mindfuck me.

You think too much.

We've made it a week... a week and a day, and we can make it two weeks and many more days. Can't we? We can. We have to. Because since we've made it this long- this fucking long without cracking under pressure, we've been through so much, so goddamn MUCH-

-We have to make it. Please.

*I feel like people who are actually paying attention to my blog deserve an explanation for why I haven't blogged in almost a month... and honestly, I don't think I have one. I just haven't been motivated to write about anything. And what I write, I don't publish. I don't even publish it on LiveJournal; I feel like a certain person will read it and get offended because they assume it's in regard to them, and even if it is, I just don't want to be a whiny bitch because lord knows that happens enough as it is.

Ugh.

Someone tell me what to do with my life. And where to go. The people I should meet and the things I should tell them.
The stories I should weave, and the identity I should sculpt for myself.
Tell me where I will live, tell me how much money to make every year and what day I'll get married. And maybe divorced.
Tell me how many of my kids will stay in contact with me after they move out. How many will live through their teenage years without killing themselves.

Tell me what to make of myself and I'll do it, but I can't do it on my own.
And the only person I have to help me find it within myself... I feel that I hardly have.

8/9

Inspired by someone else's catharsis [so to speak].
A poem, miss Aminah, just for you.
---

He'd never know how unworthy she felt when she saw him smile within his own circle. His comfort zone, the group of people "he'd never love like he (tried to convince her he) loved her."

She'd never be that to him. She'd never be able to travel with him- not for a long time, anyway- like his friends did. They'd never have the silly jokes and the fond memories of so long ago.

When she went places he'd been, she saw his vapor trail woven through the City- yes, THE City, the city that was to be her city, but he beat her to it- and all he could do, she assumes, is think about how much of an experience it'd been with them.

With her. (X)
With him. (Y)

He'd rather go with them, wouldn't he? Wouldn't it make him happier?

Faceless names, nameless faces, that's all they are to HER, but whether or not X and Y still mean something to HIM is nothing more than a mystery.

Rather, X does (maybe) but Y doesn't, because she confirmed this in her subtleties.

By the way, "them" isn't an interchangeable term in the average person's vocabulary, but for him, he's either got a lot of "them" or he merely changes his top friends on MySpace every day.

Why wasn't he... no, why wasn't SHE here sooner? If they were fated to be together, don't you think fate wouldn't have been so untimely?

"Love's a bitch," she says, "because when you know you love someone more than they give you a second glance, well... you just have to deal with it."

Glance her way for a change.

fin.
---

Depending on who interprets this to be about whom, it could be taken as VERY bitchy.
That's why I leave interpretation up to you.

If this disappears in a few days, it's been moved to my LiveJournal.

-CS.

And I don't wanna miss a thing.

Days go by.
People live on.
But man, it really hurts sometimes to watch time go by.
You find yourself thinking, damn, what happened to us? All of us? We were unstoppable, we were inseparable, and we kicked some ass pretty hard together… and then…

What happened.

As I watch people- no, not people, but close friends- leave the nest, head off to college, and kick off their lives, I find my self really dreading the day that this will happen to me. I’m very much a person who enjoys friendships and relationships, and I can’t deal with people leaving. Honestly, ask anyone.
Unfortunately, I’ve gotten my fair share of goodbyes, as have most.

Hell, I witnessed [in a way] two seemingly inseparable friends split apart, and consistently see one [I'm not close to them, mind you, but get Facebook newsfeed updates quite frequently] completely disregard the fact that the other existed. Perhaps this disregarded friend thinks often about his ex-best friend; it's actually quite likely, but seeing both go on with their lives is strange.

[I'm also hoping that the person this is about didn't realize it was them, because I don't bring it up with them but I do know that it hurts for friend 2 to think about.]

However, after thinking about it, we shouldn’t be sad that people branch out and go on with their lives, but instead should be happy for the memories. If we kept all our friends, we would end up neglecting them all, if you consider it. Of course, people say this sort of thing as an inspirational message at graduations and going away parties and the what, but I’ve been very intimately exposed to this… a bit prematurely, in my opinion, because of all the lovely seniors I’ve come to adore with all my heart.

So it hurts to leave, but we have to keep going, because it’s all we can do. Be thankful for the happiness that people gave you, and be hopeful for future happiness due to new relationships and friendships.

So I guess to conclude, I'll say some inspirational finale that would make everyone cheer and cry and hug their mothers, and all that good stuff.
Whether you believe it or not is your own problem, but I sure as hell don't want to.

"There is no such thing as goodbye, only more opportunities to say hello."

When you fall 7 times, laugh 8 times.

"하늘빛 무대 위의 주인공 그건 바로 우리야 그대야, 세 상 속에 난 서있어 뜨겁게 타는 불꽃처럼..."
-In other words, be happy. You're all you've got. [:

Fame. Such a blessing, but apparent in quite the disguise.
It'd be a lie to say one has never wished for fame [mainly because no one in the world is that modest; come on, you know it's true], but man, the older one gets... or rather, the more mature one gets, the more one sees what a serious hindrance the status is.

But man, I mean, sometimes fame is just totally blown out of proportion in order to make people covet it. And that's all it really is, on closer observation.
Think of it this way. People strive for acceptance- it's why rumors hurt, yeah?- and fame is, well, the top of the top as far as that goes. Doesn't matter if it's good fame or bad fame- people know you exist if you're a celebrity. To pursue this is pretty superficial, in my opinion, after I've given it some thought... and quite unrewarding. Seriously, you get gossiped about, you get stalked, you get zero privacy- does the benefit REALLY outweigh the gain?

[Why do we want to be famous? To be accepted, of course.]

We live in a society that practically worships the famous. And for what? They're just regular people. Their good deeds have only reached you because their fame made their good deeds a larger scale project. But most of the time, these good deeds are simply for good PR. I'm sure they'd tell you fame sucks.

And fame does suck. Be happy with what you've got, for Christ's sake. Ironically, perhaps the most low-profile people who go into celebrity-style careers who get the MOST shit for what they do are politicians. Yeah, they're corrupt, but we all are. At least they're standing up for their ideals.

So that's all I can think to say about that. I don't know if I really said what I intended to there, my head's been elsewhere recently.
[Thus why my title/first lines don't fit with the rest of my post. Hurray for focus deficiency!]
Perhaps I'll start writing more once I get out of the strange swing I've been in, thanks to school.

Drink your vegetables and eat your milk.

-CS.

Praying for love in a lap dance, and paying in naivety.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about many different things.
I plan on putting them all up on this blog, but I'm not sure if they'll be separately posted or not... so I guess what I'm trying to say is that if they're all jumbled together in one post, just bear with me. I want to get everything out, save maybe one thing that's gnawing at the corners of my mind whenever I drift off.
But who knows, that might be posted too.

Anyway, I went to New York City for the first time from last Wednesday to this past Saturday. [Hontou desu! :D NYC ga saikou no toshiiii~ Kore wa cheesakunai-desu...x__X]
It was amazing, indubitably, and I had been expecting greatness, indubitably... I'd wanted to go since I was a little kid, and it didn't disappoint. However, when we drove through the streets of Manhattan, a string of thoughts went through my head.

Our society is swimming neck-deep in debauchery... and I'd venture to say it's built upon it itself. I never gave it much thought, growing up in suburbia, but geez... we passed so many strip joints [and strip joint ADS, for that matter] in NYC that I was beginning to wonder why prostitution hasn't been federally legalized, as it would certainly help with the good old USA's outstanding national debt...

[Of course, I say this to be facetious. I see the logic behind it being the industry, or lack thereof, that it is. Sillies.]

Anyway, as we passed all these gentlemen's clubs and DVD/lingerie stores, I was sitting there thinking about how many political scandals there are each year, known and unknown to the public; how many viruses are transferred over the world wide web through a façade of pornography. I mean, damn, think about how many people are doing the following- the dirty, thinking about doing the dirty, or even WATCHING having the dirty done- RIGHT NOW. Weird thought, right? And as teenage pregnancy numbers skyrocket, it's almost sad to see how weak our generation has become to primal carnal instinct. Is that why people are divorcing so frequently; the sex just isn't the same?

And it's not just sex, I've realized... it's everything. We live in a world where self-pleasure rules over man, and we're all so fucking susceptible to the seemingly iron grasp. Every night is an orgy, figuratively speaking or not, making every morning the lazy swirl of partial memories and occasional remnants of the night before as we try to hide from the light filtering through the window on our side... and once you start this cycle, you just end up wanting more and more. Tell me, reader, am I wrong?

I'm not condemning sexual acts in the least. It's part of healthy human behavior, no doubt there. I just find it a bit comical that people of the 21st century have taken such refuge in all this. Is it really all you have left, mortal?

Oh, this and love. Ever wonder how many times someone says "I love you" in a day? If every person in the world said they loved someone, that's approximately 6,814,472,306 "I love you"s.

Now think of how many of them are lying.

It's like there's pressure these days to love!
I find that more and more kids are "falling in love". It's what makes me hate movies like Twilight, to be completely blunt. You have this relationship- an abusive relationship, at that- and it's portrayed as perfection in the easily manipulated, fragile mind of the weak-spirited teenage female.

Some of them.

But is this not true for adults, too? There's so many movies about so-called picture-perfect love, and this sets this unreachable standard.
I've talked about all this before, I'm stopping here. Go read my other post if you're interested.

One last thing, though- if we've got such a pressure to have our constituents fall in love, why is love between two constituents [in America, in particular] of the same gender condemned?
[I know I said I was done, but I wanted to talk about this too...]
I was talking to a friend today about how I thought that being called gay, lesbian, bi, straight, or whatever the hell you want to be called was just asking for segregation. I mean, look at it rationally. Labels like that are made for one reason- to separate groups of people. And when groups branch off from one another, people start feeling reasons instinctively to say that they're better than the other, or that the other is wrong for being different.

Ugh, this post is going to cause mucho conflict, I can feel it. xD I risk posting as private, actually, because all this was quite a bitch to spill onto a page.
I really meant it when I said I have trouble sorting my thoughts into words. Filing cabinet.

Have a wonderful Tuesday.

-CS.

PS- There will always be someone in a person's life who has no idea how much the actions and decisions that they themselves carry out will impact another... and how much they'll be missed when they're gone.

What the hell IS vintage these days, anyway?

This might look like two posts in the same day, but to me, it's not. Days end when I go to sleep, damnit! xD

I sat on a porch swing today on the front deck of a house on Mulberry Street. Here I sat with at least 6 or 7 other people- some sitting on various chairs of various types; folding, rocking, whatnot; some standing- and I was content.
Most of them were smoking, and one of them had a considerable resemblance of Iggy Pop.

Seriously.

This was the late afternoon, and it wasn't particularly hot, but the heat had set in for the day.

Anyway, I was sitting here with these people thinking about how I'd have loved to live when the music was good, and everyone was so carefree.
I've often said I should've been born 50 years earlier. I feel like living [CONSCIOUSLY living, mind you] during the 70s and 80s would really make me happier than I am these days. Hell, you can tell that by the music I listen to.

It's strange to me, though, that people long for different times... that they haven't even lived through. Are people born to their designated time period/undesignated time period, or does it matter?
I've thought about this often... sometimes people say they've been born into the wrong gender, or sometimes [fewer times, indubitably], people say they've been born into the wrong culture. But to be born into the wrong time period?

Maybe I'm just weird.
I haven't really decided yet.

Food for thought.

-CS.